My Journey to heaven

universe beyond imagination

The worst feeling in the world is the feeling of being unwanted and unloved. For some reason, I always felt I was not enough. I tried to hurt my body in several ways in order to compensate for the pain that I had in my heart. I also tried to harden my emotions, stiffen my voices, shorten my smile, and make myself forlorn. I slept for hours and hours; not because I was lazy but just to escape this life, escape the ugliest feelings that I had in my head. Every night when I lay on my bed, surrounded by a net, covered by a huge blanket, just peeping my nose for air, I could not still resist my insecurities. The dark walls in front of me, they frightened me every night. I listened to the most painful songs as if I was addicted to that pain. I spelled my emotions in social media where I was always judged and never really understood. I gave myself to the people who I thought were mine and they gave me an emptiness with my anxiety intensified and my soul suffered a great loss. I still did not give up to close my eyes and suffocated to fall asleep, suffocated to breathe. It pains me to say that I woke up with an ache in my throat, everlasting torture in my mind like an incurable disease. When I realized that it was not me but my emotions guiding me to the hawking's black hole and sucking the life out of me, I became alert enough to not let myself fall on that pitch. 

There's very little difference between love and hatred, happiness and sadness, peace and conflict, being high and being low.

I sealed my eyes with my eyelids for the sake of opening up to the divine truth of the universe. But the closure of eyes was not enough to experience that ravishing delight as the unwanted thoughts kept on dancing on my head, so wildly, so unwelcomingly. I decided to shut myself from every earthly creation and open the gate to the most pious energy beyond the stars and planets. That night I traversed the high Himalayas, blue dark clouds, stars, planets, and many more. The view was astounding. When I went further I was surrounded by darkness deeper than that of my room wall. That was really adventurous. But there was no reason to be scared as I myself was the light. I wanted to explore every inch of the universe that was spreading divine love to me. I went more further in search of heaven that I had always heard of. I crossed the solar family and many other solar families and reached near a big tree that was shiny, decorated with lights. And my earthly brain thought that they must be celebrating some kind of festival. It was exciting to know that the universe also celebrated festivals. I went more closer to that tree as if that was welcoming me with the greatest gratitude. When I was very close to the tree, the light grew tremendous but never that huge to make me blind. There was no air at all but I did not suffocate for the first time. I looked carefully and realized that it was a big gathering of several stars making a tree-like shape. I could listen to the godly silence and experience the beguiling beauty of creation. Yes, I could not find heaven but I did not even bother to look for any heaven as I was completely mesmerized by the deific essence. Not for a moment, I thought of earth. I did not want gravity to pull me back to the ground again. I wanted to stay there forever as I felt so welcomed and loved and cared for and admired.

But then at the highest speed ever, I was drawn back to the bed of mine. And this time the morning was wearing a complete beauty in its arrival. The sun was waiting for me whispering: "after you, dear". I noticed my unaltered breathe and my mended soul full of heavenly peace. It felt as if I really had been to heaven. I smiled at the wall reminding it that it will never be able to scare me again. It was really nice to know that I was given another beautiful day to live.

one light staring the other